Ian & Stuart's Australian Mac: Not for Sale/Another.not.for.sale (Australia).iso/Dr. Doyle/Top Ten Lists

Text File | 1994-03-07 | 96KB | 2,439 lines

---> August 30, 1993 <---

========================================
Top Ten Ways The New Show Will Be Better
========================================

10. Kids watch free
 9. No more relying on cheap G.E. jokes. (Unless we're really stuck)
 8. My new "Rappin' Dave" character
 7. Inhaling asbestos particles from renovation makes me extra "wacky"
 6. If they applaud really loudly, everyone in tonight's audience gets a brand
    new car!
 5. No more pressure to book NBC president Robert C. Wright's son-in-law, Marv
    Albert
 4. It's the same show, better time, new sta--Oh, for the love of God, stop
    saying that!
 3. I'm more focused since my break-up with Loni
 2. Every Friday, Paul and I swap medication
 1. A whole new wardrobe for Vanna!

---> August 31, 1993 <---

================================
Top Ten Things We Like About CBS
================================

10. You got a problem? The CBS "family" takes care of it
 9. The strong, understanding hands of Mr. Charles Kuralt
 8. Doesn't have foul smelling disease-carrying bird mascot
 7. When Angela Lansbury fixes your outboard motor, it stays fixed
 6. Chance to see Harry Smith naked in CBS sauna
 5. Have Canadian musical director that looks just like our old one
 4. Candice Bergen curses like a sailor at company retreat
 3. Three out of every five male employees named "Morley"
 2. Whole nation touched by the heartfelt attempt of Dan Rather & Connie Chung
    to have a baby
 1. Executives are a much more advanced form of weasel

---> September 1, 1993 <---

============================================
Top Ten Signs Your New Job Isn't Working Out
============================================

10. You have a desk, but no chair
 9. Co-workers always punching you in the stomach
 8. You see CBS chairman Larry Tisch having dinner with Conan O'Brien
 7. You get stung by a bee. (Not really a sign your new job isn't working out,
    but just as upsetting)
 6. You work for NASA and your title is "Executive in charge of space probe
    quality control"
 5. After work, you go nuts and throw firecrackers into a crowd of people
 4. Your company physical is scheduled with Dr. Kevorkian
 3. People start saying maybe they should have elected your wife Hillary
    president
 2. In your one-page performance report, the word "sucks" appears twelve times
 1. Your office nickname : "Deadwood"

---> September 1, 1993 <---

*Supplemental List*

==========================================
Top Ten Possible Names For Demi's New Baby
==========================================

 10. Beavis
  9. Forklift
  8. Kemo Sabe
  7. Ibuprofen
  6. Siskel
  5. Dr. Pepper
  4. Marmaduke
  3. Manute
  2. Retsyn
  1. Buttafuoco

---> September 2, 1993 <---

=======================================
Top Ten Rejected Names For The New Show
=======================================

10. "Dave's Def Talk Show Jam"
 9. "Bonehead at a Desk"
 8. "Sally Jessy Letterman"
 7. "Tell the Jokes and Watch Them Die"
 6. "The Stolen Intellectual Property Show"
 5. "The All-New Adventures of Necktie Boy"
 4. "Senor Dave's Fiesta Del Cha-Cha"
 3. "Dave Connection"
 2. "The Million-Dollar Mistake"
 1. "Paul Shaffer and Butthead"

---> September 3, 1993 <---

===============================
Top Ten Numbers From One To Ten
===============================

(With Casey Casem reading the introductions, and Dave
reading the answers.)

"Starting off tonight's list at number ten :"
10. Ten

"Moving into single digits now, at number nine it's : "
9. Nine

"Making it's first appearance on the top ten list at
 number eight : "
8. Six

"Number seven is a favorite of anyone who's ever been in
 love. Here it is : "
7. Five

"At number six, and the countdown doesn't stop till we
 get to the top, it's : "
6. Eight

"Dropping three notches from last week's number two,
 here at number five is : "
5. One

"Holding steady at number four : "
4. Four

"It's the square root of nine, and the first digit of pi.
 At number three, that's right, it's : "
3. Three

"And now, before we hear number one, at number two : "
2. Seven

"And tonight's request and dedication goes out to a
 fifteen year old girl named Stephanie from Omaha,
 Nebraska. Here's what she writes :
   'Dear Casey, my boyfriend Bruce moved away last
    month because his father has a new job in
    Buffalo and we miss each other terribly. It would
    mean a lot to both of us if you'd say our favorite
    number.'
 Well, Stephanie and Bruce, I'll do what I can to make
 things a little easier during this difficult time.
 Here's your request, Stephanie and Bruce, your favorite
 number, debuting all the way up at number one : "
1. Two!

---> September 6, 1993 <---

====================================================
Top Ten NASA Excuses For Losing The Mars Space Probe
====================================================

10. "Mars probe?  What Mars probe?"
 9. Forgot to use The Club
 8. Those lying weasels at Radio Shack
 7. Too much Tang
 6. Made by G.E.
 5. Them Martians musta shot it down with a ray gun
 4. Heh, heh, heh ... Our space probe sucks -- heh, heh, heh
 3. At least we didn't blow all our money on some dork screwing around with
    a car phone
 2. Remember Watergate?  Well, Nixon's up to his old tricks again!
 1. Space monkeys

---> September 7, 1993 <---

======================================
Top Ten Bad Things About Living Longer
======================================

10. Seems like every time you turn around that damn Halley's comet is back
 9. Would see great, great, great grandchildren marry moon men
 8. (See Richards, Keith)
 7. Shoulder-length ear hair
 6. If you're a Mets fan you'd rather go early
 5. More fantasies about Buddy Ebsen
 4. Every time you sneeze, you break your hip
 3. Eventually it's your turn to marry Zsa Zsa
 2. While you grow to love Beavis, Butthead becomes almost unbearable
 1. All the shoes

---> September 8, 1993 <---

==========================================
Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot
==========================================

10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey Pedro, what's this gizmo do?"
 9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up
 8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet."
 7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
 6. When you take-off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeeeeee!"
 5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars
    Observer"
 4. He's wearing a Domino's pizza uniform
 3. Over the P.A. you hear "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh."
 2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove
    your cab to the airport
 1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

---> September 8, 1993 <---

*Supplemental list*

==========================================================
From the Home Office in Washington, D.C.:
Al Gore's Top Ten Good Things About Being Vice-President
==========================================================

10. Police escort gets you to the movies faster
 9. You know that game, tetherball?  I got to play tetherball with the
inventor
     of tetherball
 8. After they sign a bill, there's lots of free pens
 7. If you close your left eye, the seal on the podium reads "President of the
    United States"
 6. I get intellectual property rights to my speeches
 5. Dan Quayle and Gerald Ford are pretty easy to beat during Vice President's
    week on "Jeopardy"
 4. You don't have to be funny to get invited on the Letterman show
 3. You get to eat all the french fries the President can't get to
 2. Don't have to be good speller to get the job
 1. Secret Service code name: "Buttafuoco"

---> September 9, 1993 <---

====================================
Top Ten Signs Clinton Is Well Rested
====================================

10. No longer gets winded after pounding down a taco
 9. Fewer outbursts about his trouble with Loni
 8. Spent pleasant afternoon with this week's three newly discovered
    half-brothers
 7. Can drop Bob Dole with one punch
 6. See-Saws back and forth on important issues with renewed vigor
 5. After intensive briefings by joint chiefs of staff, no longer says
    "Huh?"
 4. Let's just say don't go knockin' on the Lincoln bedroom
 3. Shouts "Yes!" before the counter girl can even finish asking "Do you
    want fries with --"
 2. He's fit and ready to take some of the workload from Hillary
 1. Catching more mice than "Socks"

---> September 10, 1993 <---

============================================================
Top Ten Announcements That Will Make This Crowd Cheer Wildly
============================================================

10. The strippers are on the way!
 9. Hey Clinton, tax this!
 8. Drinking root beer makes you live longer
 7. If you look under your seat, you'll find a nice, fresh grape
 6. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome "Gilligan" himself, Mr. Bob Denver!
 5. Every member of tonight's studio audience receives a free tattoo of
    Katharine Hepburn
 4. We've just learned that Madonna will not appear naked for the remainder of
    the calendar year
 3. Siskel and Ebert are getting married!
 2. Fat guy slaps Richard Simmons so hard he's now cross-eyed
 1. The show's over. Good night!

---> September 13, 1993 <---

==================================
Top Ten New Campbell Soup Slogans
==================================

10. M'm! M'm! Good!  If eaten before April 1995
 9. Free pennies inside every can!
 8. All-natural -- except the synthetic bacon
 7. When there's absolutely nothing else in the house to eat
 6. Hitler: Bad.  Soup: Good.
 5. The official food of Glen Campbell
 4. Remember, chicks dig guys who eat soup
 3. It's hot & wet!
 2. Jimmy Stewart eats it, and he's damn near 150!
 1. M'm! M'm! Sodium Benzoate!

---> September 14, 1993 <---

=====================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Yesterday
=====================================================

10. "What's Don King doing here?"
 9. "That Clinton is much puffier in person"
 8. "I've got Yitzhakmania!"
 7. "Arafat Nachos!  Get your Arafat nachos here!"
 6. "Is it okay for me to start my speech now, Hillary?"
 5. "You sign first" -- "No, you sign first" -- "No, you sign first" --  "No,
    you sign first"...
 4. "Now do I have this right -- in America, if I have a million dollars, I
can
    date Demi Moore?"
 3. "Isn't Arafat kissing that guy a little too long?"
 2. "Gaza! I thought you wanted rights to Zsa Zsa!"
 1. "Yitzhak, Yasir. Yasir, Yitzhak."

---> September 15, 1993 <---

=====================================
Top Ten Rejected "60 Minutes" Stories
=====================================

10. How come bald guys ain't got hair?
 9. Morley fills his mouth with birdseed, yawns until a hummingbird flies in
 8. The president's brother might be some kind of moron
 7. Guys Mike Wallace made cry
 6. TV newsmagazines whose name says they're a certain length, but when you
    subtract the commercials are really more like "44 minutes"
 5. The 1970's disco group "Village People":  Gay?
 4. Mike Wallace is Beavis; Andy Rooney is Butthead
 3. Is that Letterman's real hair?
 2. Are Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters "Doing It"?
 1. A few minutes with Mickey Rooney

---> September 16, 1993 <---

=================================
Top Ten Ways To Make Arafat Angry
=================================

10. Load his burnoose with bees
 9. Borrow some of his books on making explosives, don't return them
 8. Don't let him in the room until he says "open sesame"
 7. If he's chasing you, paint a tunnel entrance onto a big rock, then hide
    and watch as he runs straight into it
 6. When you meet him, go "Whoa!  You ain't exactly Omar Sharif, are you?"
 5. Introduce him as chairman of the PTA
 4. Show up at a party wearing the same tablecloth
 3. Ask him why it's not PLO speedwagon anymore
 2. In the middle of the cab ride, tell him you changed your mind and you want
    him to take you to Brooklyn
 1. Shortsheet his head

---> September 17, 1993 <---

=================================================
Top Ten Highlights Of Clinton's Health-Care Plan
=================================================

10. Al Gore: Band-Aid Czar
 9. Every American man, woman and child gets a free cough drop!
 8. If you give 10 bucks to the janitor at the organ bank, he'll let you
    touch the livers
 7. Anyone with 20/20 vision can now collect royalties from the TV show
"20/20"
 6. No more plastic surgery for Nancy Reagan
 5. All medical bills sent to Ross Perot
 4. You break the record for all-time highest body temperature -- you keep the
    thermometer
 3. Roger Clinton can write his own prescriptions
 2. "Turn your head & cough" exam to be administered by the Gabor sister of
    your choice
 1. Two words: sneeze tax

---> September 20, 1993 <---

======================================
Top Ten Reasons To Watch CBS This Fall
======================================

10. We've stopped using the deadly gamma rays
 9. Programming designed to make your children dull and listless
 8. The shows are funny if you drink enough hard cider
 7. If you play with the vertical hold, you can make Andy Rooney jump like a
    monkey
 6. This year, on a special "60 minutes", Morley Safer loses his virginity
 5. We're Kuralt-a-rific!
 4. We've got a really cool CBS maintenance man who can turn his feet all the
    way around
 3. This year, Angela Lansbury starts murdering people herself
 2. If you don't watch, we'll send Mike Wallace to investigate your ass
 1. It'll help Connie and Maury have a baby!

---> September 21, 1993 <---

===============================================
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Talk Show Host
===============================================

10. Always asking if you brought a clip
 9. Whenever he leaves, he says "I'll be right back"
 8. Invites you over for dinner and when you get there he tells you that
you've
    been bumped
 7. At his cookout, "Who wants hamburgers?" is written out on a cue card
 6. When you ask him to return your lawnmower, he has a list of ten reasons
why
    he doesn't have to
 5. No particular sign -- just a statistical likelihood that if you're not a
    talk show host, you're neighbor is
 4. Ed McMahon mows the lawn
 3. He chases squirrels around yard with a microphone screaming, "Is the
caller
    there?"
 2. During the summer he gains an awful lot of weight
 1. Five words:  Applause sign in the bedroom

---> September 22, 1993 <---

=================================================
Top Ten Signs You've Lost Control Of Your Country
=================================================

10. At big public ceremonies, secret service guys play keep-away with your hat
 9. People see you at the self-service pump filling up your pacer
 8. Sharp drop in sales of "Yeltsersizer" workout machine
 7. Stolichnaya withdraws its corporate sponsorship of your presidency
 6. You misspell "potato" and no one cares
 5. Your mother asks if you want to move back in for a while
 4. Ted Koppel cuts your interview short for a late-breaking story on the
    "Full House" twins
 3. You're denied access to the presidential hookers
 2. Domino's doesn't deliver your pizza for almost an hour, still makes you
    pay
 1. Chicks no longer dig you

---> September 23, 1993 <---

=============================
Top Ten New York Mets Excuses
=============================

10. All those empty seats are distracting
 9. Part of a grand plan to make Florida Marlins overconfident next year
 8. Pitchers on other teams throw the ball really fast!
 7. Two words:  Guaranteed contracts
 6. Mistake to let Don Knotts bat cleanup
 5. Play so much golf during season thought lowest score wins
 4. Baseballs harder to throw than explosives
 3. Drank Slurpee too fast; got a "brain-freeze"
 2. Didn't scratch themselves enough
 1. No one named "Mookie"

---> September 24, 1993 <---

========================================================
Top Ten Hillary Clinton's Tips For Making Your Man Happy
========================================================

10. Ketchup-flavored lip-gloss
 9. On special occasions, have the marine band play Fleetwood Mac hits
 8. "Air force one mile high club"
 7. Give him pep talks:  "Compared to you, Lincoln was just a monkey in a top
    hat"
 6. Lean close, put your mouth to his ear, and whisper, "Bubbaaaaaaa"
 5. Spend plenty of time inside the beltway, if you know what I mean
 4. Take him away for a quiet weekend of taxing and spending
 3. Every once in a while, let him run the country
 2. Add a little spice in the bedroom by dressing up as a McDonald's waitress
 1. Two words: Fry everything

---> September 27, 1993 <---

====================================================
Top Ten Signs You've Come To The Show On A Bad Night
====================================================

10. Rats in theater scrapper than usual
 9. Everyone in your row is wearing handcuffs and a Riker's Island jumpsuit
 8. I just sit in my chair & rock back & forth without uttering a word
 7. First half hour: I get a throat culture. Second half hour: wait for
results
 6. Instead of real comedy, we take the standby audience to "Miss Saigon"
 5. Gallagher's a guest and he forgot his watermelons
 4. You're forced to view more home videos of me on the fourth of July after I
    gained a ton of weight
 3. By first commercial I'm winky on bourbon
 2. Ghost of Ed Sullivan appears before you and says "This one is gonna
really,
    really blow"
 1. Kathie Lee's out of stories about Cody

---> September 28, 1993 <---

======================================
Top Ten Complaints Of The Biospherians
======================================

10. Bad planning to have everyone in there be named "Billy"
 9. All the jokes about people who live in glass houses
 8. Bio-toast was usually bio-burned
 7. Cockroaches the size of lawn tractors
 6. Completely missed two of Madonna's "new looks"
 5. Sick of people calling us "Trekkies"
 4. Never found Waldo
 3. On second day, badminton birdie got stuck in rafters
 2. Crazy woman who kept breaking in claiming to be "Mrs. Biosphere"
 1. Bio-sores.

---> September 29, 1993 <---

================================================
Top Ten Questions Congress Asked Hillary Clinton
================================================

10. "Sometimes I really get itchy -- is that covered?"
 9. "Did Bubba buy you that purty ring?"
 8. "How come you skirts always messin' with dudes minds?"
 7. "Remember me?  I played Gopher on 'The Love Boat'."
 6. "Wait a minute -- so this has nothing to do with Clarence Thomas?"
 5. "Will Burt's insurance still cover Loni?"
 4. "Does this look infected?"
 3. "I bet you're glad you didn't marry Dukakis, huh?"
 2. "If he jogs every day, why's he so fat?"
 1. "Have you chosen a running mate for '96?"

---> September 30, 1993 <---

=================================
Top Ten Signs You Have No Friends
=================================

10. No calls from salespeople pushing MCI's Friends and Family plan
 9. You go to a video store and say out loud to yourself, "Well, what do you
    want to rent tonight?"
 8. You send birthday cards to the members of the McLaughlin Group
 7. You are one of the five best solitaire players in the world
 6. Your initials are G.S. and you own a major league baseball team in the
    Bronx
 5. At your funeral, the entire eulogy is, "Yep, he's dead."
 4. Having a Super Bowl party means dressing up your dogs in sweaters and
tying
    them to the furniture
 3. James Taylor sings first few bars of "You've Got A Friend," notices you in
    the audience, and stops
 2. You're still drinking from the same keg you bought on New Year's Eve '87
 1. All your phone calls start with "976"

---> October 1, 1993 <---

==================================
Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date
==================================

10. You can't think of anything else on your date except strangling Chuck
    Woolery
 9. He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine
 8. His multiple personalities begin arguing after dinner about splitting
check
 7. You find yourself spending an inordinate amount of time lifting his head
    out of the soup
 6. He's been on "Geraldo" three times
 5. After two beers he starts calling you "Mommy"
 4. All she wants to talk about is how much she loves working for her boss,
    Heidi Fleiss
 3. Every place you suggest for dinner, he says "Nah -- there might be cops
    there."
 2. Insists that she was a virgin, but you know she was married to Sean Penn
 1. He takes you to a Met game

---> October 4, 1993 <---

=========================================
Top Ten Rejected Freedom Airlines Slogans
=========================================

10. Come take a ride on a flying ashtray
 9. Remember: you can't spell 'tarmac' without 'tar'!
 8. If sounds like a good idea to you, then you're just the kind of loser
we're
    looking for
 7. Every meal prepared by the loving hands of a creepy humanoid camel!
 6. Soon we'll have gambling and hookers!
 5. Will that be smoking or chain-smoking?
 4. Fly the phlegmy skies!
 3. Oxygen masks -- never had 'em, never will!
 2. If he were still alive, the Marlboro man would have flown with us!
 1. Kids cough free!

--> October 5, 1993 <---

===============================
Top Ten Madonna's Hotel Demands
===============================

10. Complimentary handcuffs on pillow
 9. 24-hour leather repair
 8. Must accept "Madonna Dollars"
 7. Guy dressed like pirate who says "Aye, it's Madonna." whenever she enters
    room
 6. Sheets changed every hour
 5. Bath tub must fit entire soccer team
 4. Gideon bible with "Thou shalt nots" edited out
 3. If she leaves her bra outside the door, it should be returned polished the
    next morning
 2. "Do not disturb" sign must be changed to "Please take a number"
 1. A squad of pantsless bellboys

---> October 6, 1993 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Ways To Annoy A Supreme Court Justice
=============================================

10. Say things like, "Hey, it's one o'clock in the afternoon, why the hell are
    you still in your robe?"
 9. Eat exhibit A
 8. Switch gavel with grand piano; Sit back and watch him try to pick up a
    grand piano
 7. Whenever there's a quiet moment during a case, groan "Boooooring"
 6. When he sentences you to life in prison, just yell "screw off," leave the
    courtroom, go have a nice afternoon at the movies
 5. Shortsheet his robe
 4. Keep asking, "Where's Rusty?"
 3. He says, "Approach the bench."  You say, "Approach this!"
 2. Ask him to find a legal precedent that exempts talk show hosts from all
    posted speeds on the Hutchinson River Parkway
 1. Release the robe chiggers

---> October 7, 1993 <---

====================================================
Top Ten Things That Will Get You On The Evening News
====================================================

10. Drink Windex until you see a U.F.O.
 9. Become famous in the field of the arts, science, politics, or what have
    you; then pass away
 8. Get elected President and let your wife run the country while you eat
    non-stop
 7. Retire from your 75 million dollar a year job in the NBA to catch up on
    Donahue
 6. Ask Janet Reno out on a date, actually show up
 5. Marry Sonny and Cher
 4. Add an "E" to "Potato"
 3. Host late-night talk show, then get pulled over for speeding
 2. Beat the crap out of Barney in a Texas shopping mall
 1. Two words: Tarmac haircut

---> October 8, 1993 <---

=====================================================
Top Ten Ways Clinton Can Pay for the Health Care Plan
=====================================================

10. Rent out Al Gore for pony rides
 9. Get Chelsea a paper route
 8. Announce that the paper money in everybody's Monopoly box is now real
    money!
 7. Put the squeeze on Oprah
 6. Have Senator Ted Kennedy return all empties for deposit money
 5. Put it on Hillary's MasterCard, let her figure it out
 4. Collect $10 from every long lost half-brother
 3. You put $100 on black.  If you win, now you got $200.  You leave it.  You
    win again, you got $400, you leave it...
 2. Punch out Perot and take his wallet
 1. Use his french fry money

---> October 11, 1993 <---

===============================================================
Top Ten Things Columbus Would Say If He Landed In America Today
===============================================================

10. "I'm 542 years old and Willard Scott still won't wish me a happy
birthday."
 9. "I anchored my ship up here just a minute ago -- and now it's gone!"
 8. "Ah, a Gap store!  Finally, a familiar sight."
 7. "Fabio!  Put a shirt on!  What's wrong with you?"
 6. "I've come for silks, spices, and a shot at Madonna."
 5. "Let me get this straight...you call this number and a lady talks dirty to
    you?  Cool!"
 4. "Bring me to Queen Oprah."
 3. "Where can I get me one of them Thighmasters?"
 2. "I'm ready to 'discover' a quart of Bud Light and some hookers."
 1. "Hurry, I'm late for the Whoopi roast."

---> October 12, 1993 <---

=======================================================
Top Ten Signs You're Being Investigated by "60 Minutes"
=======================================================

10. The Domino's Pizza guy looks a little like Ed Bradley
 9. Your secretary tells you the men are here to install the hidden
microphones
 8. You see your accountant wearing brand new "60 Minutes" T-shirt,
sweatshirt,
    and baseball cap
 7. You own a sweatshop that is accused of hiring illegal aliens and a woman
    calling herself "Morlene Safer" applies for a job
 6. Guy wearing CBS News cap always emerging from your shrubbery, asking to
use
    your bathroom
 5. Everywhere you look:  Andy Rooney's eyebrows
 4. Wherever you go you hear a really loud ticking noise
 3. While lying in bed after seducing you, Leslie Stahl starts asking oddly
    detailed questions about your business
 2. While lying in bed after seducing you, Morley Safer starts asking oddly
    detailed questions about your business
 1. There's a microphone in your pants

---> October 13, 1993 <---

==========================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard On The Clintons' 18th Anniversary
==========================================================

10. "It looks like we may have to send backup troops into the Lincoln
Bedroom."
 9. "Honey, that cake was supposed to be for both of us."
 8. "Ya-hoo!  Now fer some hillbilly lovin!"
 7. "Oooh!  Janet Reno jumped out of the cake!"
 6. "Is it all right if Al fills in for me tonight?"
 5. "Tipper -- Newt, Newt -- Tipper."
 4. "Can we wrap this up, Bill?  I really should get back to work."
 3. "We wouldn't have hired you to entertain if we'd known you'd dress up like
    that, Mr. Danson."
 2. "Take me like Yeltsin took the Parliament Building."
 1. "Oh, no.  Roger's gonna sing!"

---> October 14, 1993 <---

==================================================================
Top Ten Sign of Trouble in the Darryl Hannah/JFK. Jr. Relationship
==================================================================

10. She was overheard saying "Wait -- you're not President Kennedy?"
 9. Loud public arguments over who's prettier
 8. Lots of finger-pointing after they lost People magazine's "Sexiest Couple
    Alive" title
 7. All of a sudden she doesn't want to wear the mermaid outfit in bed
 6. Madonna's at the Garden
 5. He keeps confusing her with Fabio
 4. Every day, big fights over mirror time
 3. He's jealous because she does better on Bar Exam
 2. She's sick of him saying "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask if
    you can get me another beer"
 1. Loni's available

---> October 15, 1993 <---

=================================================================
Top Ten Reason's Hillary Won't Be Invited Back to "Sesame Street"
=================================================================

10. Announced government plans to rid the nation of talking frogs by 1996
 9. Asked if she could spell "cat", she snapped "I'm a Yale graduate, you
    felt-faced freak!"
 8. Two words:  "Puppet Tax"
 7. Mistook Oscar the Grouch for a rat.  Beat him to death with a rake
 6. Insisted on wearing totally inappropriate cone bra
 5. She squeezed Big Bird a little too hard during the health care "Turn Your
    Head & Cough" segment
 4. Demanded dressing room fridge be stocked with malt liquor
 3. Told behind-the-scenes puppeteers "That's pretty much how I handle Bill"
 2. She pulled one of those Ted Danson deals
 1. Kept saying "Where the hell's Barney?"

---> October 18, 1993 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Dan Quayle's Complaints About Clinton
=============================================

10. Embarrasses us in front of other countries by not devoting enough time to
    golf
 9. When I see him on the news and wave to him, he doesn't wave back
 8. National health care plan won't work because Clinton ain't no doctor
 7. Not doing enough to help our boys on the Phillies beat Toronto
 6. Passed over too many dumb guys to pick Al Gore as vice president
 5. Gets all huffy when I forget to put the extra ketchups in his bag
 4. He's some kind of brainiac super-speller
 3. Didn't make "Captain Stubing" the Secretary of Defense
    (A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience.  The
    laughing man is Gavin MacLeod, Captain Stubing of the Love Boat)
 2. Taxing the rich may cause dad to cut my allowance
 1. That funny "Beverly Hillbillies" accent

---> October 19, 1993 <---

=================================
Top Ten Signs You Have a Dumb Dog
=================================

10. Lengthy pause after "bow" while it tries to remember "wow"
 9. Buries tail, wags bones
 8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat-by-products
 7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day
 6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in catface
 5. Has suffered over two dozen concussions from toilet seat falling on his
    head
 4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word
 3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's Gopher, because he really thought he'd
    be a good Congressman
    (A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience.  The
    laughing man is Gavin MacLeod, Captain Stubing of the Love Boat, making
his
    second appearance in a row.)
 2. Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny
    horse-and-carriage to come out
 1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz"

---> October 20, 1993 <---

======================================================
Top Ten Reasons Dan Quayle Would Make a Good President
======================================================

10. Picked up a lot of the jargon from Bush, like "congress" and "Washington"
 9. Would be fun to see it spelled "NATOE"
 8. Five words:  State of the Union Flashcards
 7. No need for Camp David; give him a box of styrofoam peanuts and he's
    entertained for hours!
 6. New cabinet post:  Secretary of Cartoons
 5. Was allowed to visit the White House once during the Bush administration
 4. Wouldn't be out of touch with concerns of the not-so-bright
 3. America is the Love Boat, and he wants to be our Captain Stubing
    (A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience.  The
    laughing man is Gavin MacLeod, Captain Stubing of the Love Boat, making
    his third appearance in a row)
 2. His wife is smart enough to run the country
 1. Four more years of Dan Quayle jokes

---> October 21, 1993 <---

=========================================================
Top Ten Signs the Guy Mugging You Has Never Mugged Before
=========================================================

10. After taking money, asks if you want receipt
 9. In addition to wearing a ski mask, he's got skis and poles
 8. Asks you to hold his gun while he puts on some chapstick
 7. When he's done, he says "That was fun!  Now you mug me!"
 6. You're a policeman in full uniform, standing right in front of the station
    house, surrounded by fellow officers carrying assault rifles
 5. When you yell "Stop thief", he does
 4. During police line-up, he waves to you and shouts "Remember me?"
 3. Tells you he wouldn't be doing this if "Love Boat" hadn't been cancelled
    (A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience.  The
    laughing man is Gavin MacLeod, Captain Stubing of the Love Boat, making
    his fourth appearance in a row)
 2. He keeps saying, "You understand I'm doing this for the baby and Marla"
 1. Accepts IOU's

---> October 22, 1993 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Signs Hillary is the Smartest Clinton
=============================================

10. Buys jumbo sack of Slim-Jims at supermarket -- instead of paying jacked-up
    prices at the 7-Eleven
 9. Unlike Bill, never gets head caught in the sink
 8. Avoids them "Runway Haircuts"
 7. Never orders more fries than she can eat
 6. Let's Bill call himself "The President" when they're out in public
 5. Technically just a hillbilly by marriage
 4. Chelsea has yet to say "Daddy, could you help me with my homework?"
 3. Took her three hours to explain to Bill how it's possible that Murray from
    "Mary Tyler Moore" looks just like Captain Stubing from "The Love Boat"
    (A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience.  The
    laughing man is Gavin MacLeod, Captain Stubing of the Love Boat, making
    his fifth appearance in a row.  Dave announces it's his fifth appearance,
    and a model walks down to Gavin and hands him a bouquet of flowers.)
 2. Owns a piece of Oprah
 1. Her giant, thirty-pound brain

---> October 25, 1993 <---

===========================================================
Top Ten Reasons Canada Keeps Beating Us in the World Series
===========================================================

10. French baseball chatter very disorienting
 9. U.S. players get sleepy after standing through two national anthems
 8. Special enzyme in Canadian bacon that turns players into game-winning
    zombies
 7. American teams discouraged by Clinton's new RBI tax
 6. All our secret plays are being funneled to them by that weasel Paul
Shaffer
 5. Exchange rate makes Canadian runs worth more
 4. Stirring pre-game talks, which always end with "Win one for Lorne Green"
 3. They don't bother to use actual Canadians
 2. Let's face it -- we're a bunch of "hosers"
 1. Those damn Mountie umpires

---> October 26, 1993 <---

OK.  Here's the deal with this list.  As Dave put it, the computers at the
home
office in Sioux City, Iowa were down all day, so they sent a generic Top Ten
List without a specific category.

====================
Generic Top Ten List
====================

10. We found Waldo -- and he's using a Thighmaster!
 9. He got the crap kicked out of him by Richard Simmons
 8. Two words:  Whoopi Roast
 7. Regular fries, large fries, Clinton-size fries
 6. Groin pull!
 5. Three more marriages and Liz Taylor wins a mountain bike
 4. Madonna put "The Club" on her cone bra!
 3. Get your hand off my ass, Senator Packwood
 2. The Mets suck
 1. Another pie, Oprah?

---> October 27, 1993 <---

=========================================
Top Ten Revelations In The Packwood Diary
=========================================

10. Spends thousands of dollars a month on them teen chat lines
 9. Bill Bradley usually beats the 24-second clock (If you know what I mean)
 8. Only ten percent of taxpayer's money went to Heidi Fleiss
 7. Jesse Helms has never seen himself naked
 6. One thing all of the Senators have in common...Madonna
 5. Favorite pickup line:  "If you've got the ways, I've got the means"
 4. When he's too tired to go out, Packwood sometimes sexually harasses
himself
 3. Bob Dole?  A woman
 2. Daniel Patrick Moynihan's hat is often used as a birth control device
 1. Senate pages say "Yea" more than "Nea"

---> October 28, 1993 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Signs Leona Helmsley Is Rehabilitated
=============================================

10. No longer seen jumping subway turnstiles
 9. Visits elementary schools teaching youngsters how to cheat on their taxes
 8. Four words:  She's a hugging machine
 7. All rooms in her hotels are now free!  Seriously!  Call 1-800-HELMSLEY
    right now to reserve yours!
 6. Always arrives on time for weekly face lift
 5. Before she was released, returned three dozen stolen towels to prison
    laundry
 4. Mumbled "sorry" after coldcocking the doorman
 3. Is receiving counseling for her addiction to mascara
 2. Has removed the word "bitch" from her resume
 1. Counts to ten, then slaps the houseboy

---> October 29, 1993 <---

====================================
Top Ten Signs You Got a Bad Flu Shot
====================================

10. Feet swell up, ears catch on fire, nose explodes
 9. In the so-called "serum", you recognize a couple of Cheerios
 8. When you walk into a room, people say "Hey, it's Shelley Winters!"
 7. Two weeks after getting the shot, you die of the flu
 6. The next day you find yourself on stage rubbing yourself with the Puerto
    Rican flag
 5. It looks like chafing...it feels like chafing...but it isn't chafing
 4. You got the shot from a street vendor
 3. You immediately fall asleep, and when you wake up it's 2025 and your
    mission is to track down Wesley Snipes
 2. Your skin darkens and you start saying awful things about Whoopi
 1. Hives the size of melons

---> November 1, 1993 <---

=========================================================
Top Ten Ways To Make The Pillsbury Bake-Off More Exciting
=========================================================

10. Oven mitts full of angry hornets
 9. To increase likelihood of thrilling bake-off avalanche, hold bake-off at
    bottom of snow-covered mountain
 8. Claudia Schiffer marches around in nothing but a couple dabs of frosting
 7. Allow steroids
 6. See how long it takes to hail a cab at rush hour
 5. President Clinton can attack at any time and try to eat your entry before
    the judges see it
 4. First prize:  $10,000.  Second prize:  Death!
 3. All recipes must contain both "nitro" and "glycerin"
 2. Have that little doughboy "do it" with Mrs. Butterworth
 1. Guess what?  That ain't meringue!

---> November 2, 1993 <---

==================================================
Top Ten Signs There's Voter Fraud In Your Precinct
==================================================

10. You're handed a beard and instructed to vote again
 9. "Voting machine" just an old dishwasher with candidates names pasted under
    control buttons
 8. You spot Richard Nixon sneaking around in a wig and a dress
 7. Whole place is manned by monkeys in paper hats
 6. In the booth next to you -- Vincent Price
 5. To prove your citizenship, volunteer asks for your bank card and PIN
number
 4. Guy shouts from back of room "Anybody got some more White-Out?"
 3. Instead of a voting booth, they have you line up at a Port-O-San
 2. Senator Packwood is standing a little too close to you in the voting booth
 1. The only two names on the ballot are Siskel and Ebert

---> November 3, 1993 <---

======================================================
Top Ten Good Things About Being Mayor of New York City
======================================================

10. Get pot hole named after you
 9. Mayor's table at Blimpie's
 8. Every single day:  Your weight in quarters from the Lincoln toll booth
 7. The city is sparkling clean and free of crime, so it's not a very hard job
 6. Any trouble, you just call Batman
 5. It's the second most powerful position in N.Y., right behind the head of
    the Gambino family
 4. Only one allowed to spit off top of Empire State Building
 3. Full control of secret nuclear arsenal aimed at New Jersey
 2. Every Tuesday:  Hoagies with Sharpton
 1. Chicks dig mayors

---> November 4, 1993 <---

============================================
Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce "Newt Gingrich"
============================================

10. Ging Newtrich
 9. Gewt Ningrich
 8. Nut Grinderswitch
 7. Ghingis Newt
 6. Mr. Goodwrench
 5. Grinch Neutron
 4. Newt Gringhers
 3. Newtros Newtros-Gingy
 2. El Newto Gingricho
 1. Naginga!!!

---> November 5, 1993 <---

========================================
Top Ten Signs You've Elected A Bad Mayor
========================================

10. Just keeps repeating over and over again, "I'm sleepy"
 9. Months after inauguration, still hasn't shown up at city hall
 8. Campaign slogan:  "What's in it for me?"
 7. When confronted with a crisis, you overhear him mumble, "What would Norm
on
    'Cheers' do?"
 6. His date for his inauguration is Heidi Fleiss
 5. During acceptance speech, addresses voters as "suckers"
 4. Last name:  "McCheese"
 3. Within hours after his inauguration, all water and electricity are shut
off
 2. The day after election day he wakes up naked on the Staten Island ferry
 1. Raises taxes; lowers pants

---> November 8, 1993 <---

=============================
Top Ten Parachute Guy Excuses
=============================

10. Was gooned on NyQuil
 9. Life's dream was to make Marv Albert's blooper reel
 8. El Nino!
 7. Was trying to do that E.T. space-bicycle thing
 6. Heard Meat Loaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love" one time too many
 5. Got wrong address for "Parachute-O-Gram"
 4. Three words:  Too much Pepsi
 3. Publicity stunt for new adventure series called "Superdork"
 2. Upset by Ted/Whoopi breakup
 1. Head 98% bone

---> November 9, 1993 <---

=================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Gore-Perot Debate
=================================================

10. "Which one's Bowe and which one's Holyfield?"
 9. "Damn, where's my index card with all my homespun witticisms?"
 8. "Gore and Perot disagree on world trade -- but they slow dance beautifully
    together!"
 7. "Wife #8 on your private line, Mr. King"
 6. "How about I just buy Mexico?"
 5. "What the hell was that Prize Wonderland thing?"
    (Just before the Top Ten List was read by Dave, he did a little skit
called
     Prize Wonderland, which consisted of a spokesmodel showing two
     picture-phones and a sofa to the audience.)
 4. "Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen, but 98% of the country has now dozed off"
 3. "Who are you calling stiff?  You jug-eared freak!"
 2. "Thank you.  I'm glad you think Mrs. Gore is a fox, Senator Packwood"
 1. "Look out, parachute!"

---> November 10, 1993 <---

===========================================
Top Ten Signs Ross Perot Is Losing His Mind
===========================================

10. Hired private detective to have himself followed
 9. Kept offering Larry King a chance to go through his pockets
 8. All he wants to do is get home and feed the chickens
 7. Since June, has had four hysterical pregnancies
 6. Started debate by rubbing Mexican flag between his legs
 5. His ears still flap, but no longer in unison
 4. Showed up for debate without Stockdale
 3. Now up to five haircuts a day
 2. Wants to be called Ross "Dice" Perot
 1. Announced his engagement to Whoopi

---> November 11, 1993 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Disturbing Examples Of Violence On TV
=============================================

10. The constant slapfights between Dan and Connie
 9. The day an obviously drunk Jacques Cousteau beat up a manatee
 8. Bob Barker's quickie neuterings at the end of "The Price is Right"
 7. In special episode of "Family Matters", everyone gets stranded on an
island
    and Urkel is killed for meat
 6. Unknowing guest gets between Oprah and the buffet
 5. Disgruntled postal worker week on "Jeopardy"
 4. In "Madonna Live Down Under", back up singer is impaled on a cone bra
 3. Malfunctioning Thighmaster beheads Suzanne Somers
 2. Richard Simmons tries to hug a fat guy who knocks him unconscious with
    a 2 x 4
 1. Kathie Lee kicks Regis in the ass

---> November 12, 1993 <---

=================================================
Top Ten Signs Your Date Is Not Having A Good Time
=================================================

10. Doesn't laugh when you give yourself ketchup sideburns
 9. As you drop her off, she says "Do me a favor -- next time call a different
    escort service"
 8. You catch her giving her phone number to the guy squeegeeing your
    windshield
 7. "Whoa!  Is it 8:15 already!?"
 6. Seems unimpressed that you're the senior senator from Oregon
 5. Lunges at you several times with a steak knife
 4. Doesn't even finish her "Whopper"
 3. It's been 4 hours since she left for the ladies room
 2. You're Orville Redenbacher; she hates popcorn
 1. Whispers to waiter "Please kill me"

---> November 15, 1993 <---

============================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The NYC Marathon
============================================

10. "Taxi -- finish line and step on it!"
 9. "Fifteen thousand, three hundred and twenty-eight steps.  Fifteen
thousand,
    three hundred and twenty-nine steps..."
 8. "Out of my way, Oprah!"
 7. "For the last time, I don't want to be squeegied"
 6. "I haven't seen this much chafing in midtown since the 'Girlie Tour' was
    here"
 5. "I'm going to catch that Mexican or my name isn't H. Ross Perot"
 4. "Faster!  Here comes Lorena Bobbitt!"
 3. "Congratulations on finishing the marathon.  Now, give me your wallet"
 2. "Would you please stop 'accidently' bumping into me, Senator Packwood"
 1. "That ain't Gatorade!"

---> November 16, 1993 <---

===========================================================
Top Ten Reasons Puerto Rico Does Not Want To Become A State
===========================================================

10. Pennsylvania's already "The Keystone State", and if you can't be "The
    Keystone State", what's the point?
 9. Too disruptive to be towed by tug boat and welded on to Texas
 8. Don't want to have to pay Clinton's Pina Colada tax
 7. U.S. Teams keep getting ass kicked by Canadian teams in World Series
 6. As a state it would attract more visits from Ross Perot
 5. Alaska became a state, and look what happened -- it's freezing there!
 4. To avoid spoiling U.S. flag, they'd have to share a star with New Jersey
 3. That "Ready to Rumble" guy is just too annoying
 2. Might have to sit next to Packwood in the Senate
 1. Two words:  Lorena Bobbitt

---> November 17, 1993 <---

==============================
Top Ten Lorena Bobbitt Excuses
==============================

10. Hoped it would somehow help NAFTA get passed
 9. Too much caffeine
 8. What can I say?  I love a good joke
 7. That's what he gets for hoggin' the remote control
 6. Took Bob Barker's constant "spaying and neutering" reminders to their
    logical conclusion
 5. I was trying to cut the price tag off his new pajamas and he sneezed
 4. Good practice for carving Thanksgiving turkey
 3. Fell asleep whittling in bed
 2. Was tired of playing "got your nose"
 1. Ginsumania!

---> November 18, 1993 <---

========================
Top Ten NAFTA Provisions
========================

10. Canadians can borrow your car anytime they want
 9. Mexican workers still get $1.25 an hour, but will also get a complimentary
    pair of NAFTA slacks
 8. Like it or not, Bob Dylan has to do at least one Letterman show
 7. Instead of airbag, Mexican-built Chevrolets will have pinata
 6. Al Gore must drink a shot of Cuervo every hour
 5. When visiting Mexico and Canada, Americans free to shoplift as much as
they
    can carry
 4. President Clinton has to split time between McDonald's and Taco Bell
 3. Every talk show gets a "Coffee Mountie"
    (After reading this, a fully uniformed Mountie appears from the side door,
    walks to Dave's desk and fills his mug with coffee.  Dave thanks him and
    the Mountie calls Dave a "bastard.")
 2. Deportation of Lorena Bobbitt to Guadalajara
 1. "Pesos" now "Clintos"

---> November 19, 1993 <---

=====================================
Top Ten Signs Al Gore Is Loosening Up
=====================================

10. Blinks like it's going out of style
 9. Appeared on "Larry King Live" without pants
 8. During NAFTA debate with Perot, kept saying, "Chill out, rich dude"
 7. Shaved head to be back-up singer in Madonna's Girlie Show
 6. Tipper's exhausted (if you know what I mean)
 5. He's been hangin' with Meat Loaf
 4. Instead of commuting by limo, straps on his rollerblades and grabs onto
    buses
 3. Goes on talk shows and says this:
    (Here, they show a brief clip of Al Gore's appearance on the Late Show
    saying "Buttafuoco")
 2. No longer personally offended by Packwood's passes
 1. Loosens tie during sex

---> November 22, 1993 <---

=================================================
Top Ten Demands Of The Striking Flight Attendants
=================================================

10. Maximum of 1,000 "bye-bye nows" per week
 9. Actual cash bonus at Christmas instead of gallon of jet fuel in holiday
    container
 8. No longer have to go "Oooh!" when pilot points out Grand Canyon
 7. Every year on your birthday, you get a free flight to the moon, where a
    delicious birthday cake is waiting
 6. No more Hulk Hogan inflight movies
 5. Every now & then, just for fun, you get to shout, "Turbulence!" and dump a
    pot of hot coffee into a passenger's lap
 4. No longer have to certify couples qualifying for Mile High Club
 3. Option not to leave airplane when on the ground in New York
 2. Pilots must keep their pants in the upright and locked position
 1. Three words:  Cockpit hot tub

---> November 23, 1993 <---

===============================================================
Top Ten Deals Clinton Had To Make To Get NAFTA Through Congress
===============================================================

10. Drain Potomac, refill it with delicious root beer
 9. Free for everyone who votes yes:  Mexican artist does your portrait in
    black velvet
 8. Must never wake Strom Thurmond again
 7. Every Tuesday is wacky sombrero day at the Supreme Court
 6. Giant Pentagon-size rum cake for Ted Kennedy
 5. Tom Foley's fifteen-year-old grandson now in charge of the Coast Guard
 4. Won't wear jogging shorts in public anymore
 3. Promise to show Tommy Lasorda swimming laps on national TV
    (Tommy Lasorda was live via satellite all evening swimming laps in a pool)
 2. Surgeon General:  Lorena Bobbitt
 1. Get Packwood a date with Charo

---> November 24, 1993 <---

======================================
Senator Packwood's Top Ten Dating Tips
======================================

10. Use the word "alleged" a lot
 9. Two words: transparent pants
 8. Practice before date by groping a sack of potatoes
 7. Gerrymander her constituency (if you know what I mean)
 6. Surefire holiday gag:  Offer her a "Christmas Goose"

*At this point, the Top Ten List display on the screen goes haywire, and Hal
 tells Dave to just continue reading the list, without the onscreen text*

 5. Always wear thick rubber gloves when fondling radioactive material

*Now, Hal puts up the blank Top Ten background, without any text*

 4. Great opening line:  "How would you like to be in my diary?"

*Dave tells Hal to just fade to black, and they'll pretend they're on radio,
 and Hal does just that*

 3. Pretend to get phone call, tell her it's the President, and he says it's
    vitally important that I put my hand on your thigh
 2. Always make Lorena Bobbitt walk through metal detector
 1. Chicks dig senators

**BTW:  This entire screw-up was entirely unintentional**

---> November 25, 1993 <---

===========================================
Top Ten Thanksgiving Movies In Times Square
===========================================

10. "Turkey Sluts"
 9. "The Pantsless Pilgrim"
 8. "Debbie Does the Old Plymouth Colony"
 7. "Jurassic Pork"
 6. "Eat This"
 5. "Candy and Her Yams"
 4. "The Master Baster"
 3. "Three Men and a Drumstick"
 2. "Stuffing Miss Daisy"
 1. "Butterballs"

---> November 26, 1993 <---

===================================
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
===================================

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you
 9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall
 8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the Earth's axis
 7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet
 6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July
 5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram warning you to "Back off!"
 4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else
    (A clip (previously shown on one of the first CBS shows) is shown of a
    "fat" Dave eating a big bag of potato chips)
 3. Getting off your couch requires help of the fire department
 2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt
 1. You're sweatin' gravy

---> November 29, 1993 <---

==============================================================
Top Ten Stores That Won't Do Much Business This Holiday Season
==============================================================

10. Price Gougers
 9. Burt and Loni's Cozy Couple Shop
 8. Toys "R" Defective
 7. Every Item $7500
 6. Crap Mart
 5. The Really, Really, Really Limited
 4. Hefty Lefties:  The Store for Left-Handed Fat Guys
 3. Gap for Bastards
 2. Joey Buttafuoco's Auto Body Shop
 1. Roseanne's Secret

---> November 30, 1993 <---

====================================================
Top Ten Signs The Nanny You've Hired Is Really A Man
====================================================

10. Constantly whining about prostate trouble
 9. Name on driver's license reads "Walter Payton"
 8. Can bench press 450
 7. After changing baby's diapers, services your Jeep
 6. Constantly adjusting herself
 5. Has Adam's apple the size of a cue ball
 4. On day off, appears on "Geraldo"
 3. Knows a little too much about "Mork"
 2. Winces whenever someone mentions Lorena Bobbitt
 1. The Bea Arthur factor

---> December 1, 1993 <---

=====================================
Top Ten Signs The Theater Is Too Cold
=====================================

10. We're using flannel cue cards
 9. Tonight's other guests have broken Sam Donaldson into pieces for kindling
 8. Audience hardly laughing at top ten list
 7. Madonna always performs on show fully clothed
 6. Ed Sullivan looks fine even when we take him out of the cryogenic chamber
    for a couple hours
 5. The rats are sluggish
 4. My hairpiece becomes brittle and shatters when I laugh
 3. After show I have to defrost my pants
 2. Senator Packwood keeps his hands in his pockets
 1. Davesicles

---> December 2, 1993 <---

=======================================================
Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Department Store Santa
=======================================================

10. He wears the Santa costume all year round
 9. Tells salesgirls that "Me & Mrs. Claus have an understanding"
 8. After every toy request says "Yeah, right"
 7. Tries unsuccessfully to hide the fact that he's wearing handcuffs
 6. Charges $5.95 for the first minute, $2.95 each additional minute
 5. Every day around 10 A.M. throws up on the down escalator
 4. Keeps sending elves out for more vermouth
 3. Whether they want it or not, gives every kid a crewcut
 2. Keeps reminiscing about his vice presidency under George Bush
 1. He's packin' heat

---> December 3, 1993 <---

===================================================
Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Tom And Roseanne
===================================================

10. Guaranteed spot on "Geraldo"
 9. In family Christmas card photo, you'll always be at the top of the pyramid
 8. Two words:  engagement tattoo
 7. You have a say in who the three of you will marry next
 6. They're really rich
 5. On wedding night, you get to operate the winch
 4. Finally satisfy your family who's been nagging you to settle down with
some
    nice man and woman
 3. Your very own five-inch section of the bed
 2. When you marry Roseanne, you automatically get your own TV show
 1. No leftover wedding cake

**Dave was in reruns this week from 12/6/93 to 12/10/93.  He returned on
  12/13/93 with the following list.**

---> December 13, 1993 <---

========================================
Top Ten White House Christmas Traditions
========================================

10. String lights on Al Gore
 9. Pentagon scientists bring over a few of their genetically engineered elves
 8. Official reception for all new Clinton brothers discovered during past
year
 7. Send Christmas card with photograph of family having great time in White
    House to George and Barbara Bush
 6. Special hillbilly Santa with stringy beard and sack full of possum
 5. Instead of burning a Yule log they set fire to bundles of tax dollars
    collected from hard-working Americans like you & me
 4. Marine choir sings "Silent Night" while Senator Kennedy chugs bowl of egg
    nog
 3. One lucky elf gets to spend the night with Hillary
 2. "Santa" Packwood begs staff secretaries to sit on his lap
 1. Two words:  Tipper Nog

---> December 14, 1993 <---

=============================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard On Clinton's New York Shopping Spree
=============================================================

10. "Do you have any shorter jogging shorts?"
 9. "I don't gotta pay for stuff!  I'm the damn President!"
 8. "Begging the Presidents pardon but the 'high fallutin gizmo' is called an
    electric razor."
 7. "Blitzen, Bubba.  Bubba, Blitzen."
 6. "You got any of them coffee mugs with 'Gennifer' on it?"
 5. "Boy, New York City is really great this time of -- Hey, my wallet!"
 4. "Mr. President, are you gonna watch Dave get shaved tonight?"
    (Dave grew a beard over his vacation last week, and had it shaved on the
    air this evening.)
 3. "Look out, that's no elf that's Perot..."
 2. "Mr. President, my name's Dan Quayle and I'll be your waiter tonight."
 1. "Off my lap, tubby!"

---> December 15, 1993 <---

=====================================================
Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump Will Make A Good Husband
=====================================================

10. Carries MasterCard, Visa, and American Express
 9. Tests show kids raised in casinos tend to be caring, responsible adults
 8. Is it just me, or is he the most huggable thing this side of JFK Jr.?
 7. He's a refined gentleman who keeps his personal life out of the press
 6. Weasels mate for life
 5. In 1987, paid Billy Dee Williams $10 million to teach him everything there
    is to know about kissing
 4. The "Trump Shuttle", if you know what I mean
 3. The pre-nuptial agreement is written in very romantic language
 2. His bimbo girlfriends can double as babysitters
 1. His pasty white thighs
    (During the opening monologue, Dave made a joke about Bill Clinton and his
    "pasty white thighs," and Paul created a song and sang it throughout the
    show.)

---> December 16, 1993 <---

=========================================
Top Ten Real Reasons Les Aspin Is Leaving
=========================================

10. Kept calling Clinton "President Bubba"
 9. The nation's Defense Secretary shouldn't be scared to death of spiders
 8. One word:  Amway
 7. Said he was "tired of hanging with a bunch of losers"
 6. Don't ask, don't tell
 5. Guilty admission that he'd stolen a hundred pairs of Clinton's shoes
 4. Seeing "Mrs. Doubtfire" made him aware of life options he never knew
    existed
 3. Started every cabinet meeting by yelling, "Let's bomb the crap out of
    Canada!"
 2. He and Lorena are going to try it again
 1. Offered more money by CBS

---> December 17, 1993 <---

===================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The CBS Christmas Party
===================================================

10. "Look at Angela Lansbury...'Blotto, She Wrote'."
 9. "I'm sorry I dozed off, Mr. Rooney.  Now what were you saying about how
    hard it is to open milk cartons?"
 8. "Oh my God, that was no pinata -- that was really Walter Cronkite!"
 7. "No fair!  Morley Safer's hogging the karaoke machine!"
 6. "More fudge Mr. Kuralt?"
 5. "The dwarf who plays Murphy Brown's baby is sure putting away the booze!"
 4. "Every year it's the same thing -- Letterman has a couple of drinks and
    breaks out his fiddle."
    (A running joke of a clip of someone playing the fiddle that sort of looks
    like Dave)
 3. "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman is giving turn-your-head-&-cough tests in the
    back room!"
 2. "Now there's a switch -- Mike Wallace is exposing himself!"
 1. "They used our Christmas bonuses to pay that idiot Letterman!"

---> December 20, 1993 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Christmas Tree
=============================================

10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
 9. Salesman's opening line:  "You're not a cop, are you?"
 8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck
    into it
 7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a
joy
    ride
 6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it
 5. Keeps heckling why you try to do a lame top ten list
    (The Christmas tree next to Dave says, "You suck Letterman, you really
    suck!")
 4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it
 3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
 2. Some guy named Mujibar puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it
    (The famed Mujibar from the gift shop next to the theater, placed a
    Statue of Liberty model on the top of Dave's tree for Christmas)
 1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

---> December 21, 1993 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Trump Wedding
=============================================

10. "Mother Theresa -- Nipsey Russel; Nipsey Russel -- Mother Theresa."
 9. "What do you mean my credit's no good here?  I'm the groom!"
 8. "Wow, Boutros Boutros-Ghali can really put away the Rob Roys!"
 7. "That pre-nuptial agreement is signed, right?  Okay, then I do."
 6. "On no, Liz Taylor caught the bouquet!"
 5. "I'm sorry, but there is no more cake, Mr. Limbaugh."
 4. "How much longer before I get half of everything?"
 3. "Whose turn is it to Heimlich Sharpton?"
    (After reading number 3, Dave's Christmas tree says, "Number 3 sucks!")
 2. "Look at Letterman alone on the couch chugging egg nog!"
    (A clip is shown of Dave sitting on a couch drinking egg nog from a punch
    bowl)
 1. "It's Ivana and she's got a steak knife!"

---> December 22, 1993 <---

==========================================
Top Ten Inaccuracies About The White House
==========================================

10. The President's 1974 Plymouth Duster is up on blocks on the White House
    lawn
 9. Dee Dee Myers' real name:  Dee Dee Dee Dee Myers
 8. White House has illegal hook-up for HBO
 7. No red "hotline" phone to Domino's
 6. Forty people on staff just to say "Lookin' good, Mr. President"
 5. Al Gore not allowed on good furniture
 4. Lincoln bedroom doubles as Socks' litter box
 3. Michael Jackson was hiding there for a while
 2. Yes, we met Letterman, all he did was drink the egg nog
    (The same clip of Dave sitting on a couch and drinking egg nog from a
punch
    bowl was shown again)
 1. Everywhere you look:  Big Mac wrappers

---> December 23, 1993 <---

========================================
Top Ten Christmas Movies In Times Square
========================================

10. The Stocking Stuffer
 9. Prancer and Dancer Meet Lancer
 8. Live On Stage!  Bob Cratchitt and Mrs. Cratchitt Doing It!
 7. The Night the Grinch Stole a Guy's Wallet on the D Train
 6. Up Santa's Chimney
    (Santa was sitting in the audience, and after Dave read this one, Santa
    yelled, "Screw you, Letterman!" and left the theater)
 5. Miracle on 69th Street
 4. Frosty the Butt Man
 3. Rotating Pies
    (Dave had clips of a rotating pie display from a diner playing all
evening)
 2. The Nutcrackers
 1. That Ain't Egg Nog!

**There wasn't a show on December 24th, being Christmas Eve**

---> December 27, 1993 <---

===================================
Top Ten Signs It's Cold In New York
===================================

10. Pickpockets put hands in strangers' pockets to keep warm
 9. You can walk across frozen East River, and see dozens of mob informants
    beneath you
 8. Taxi drivers wear turbans with ear flaps
 7. Mike Wallace and Morley Safer are constantly hugging
 6. The hookers have on long-johns
 5. Chemicals that make up the Hudson River have congealed into a thick
    greenish paste
 4. Whenever a bike messenger gets hit by a cab, he shatters into a million
    tiny pieces
 3. Headline in New York Post:  Man Stabbed in Midtown for CBS Earmuffs
    (Dave dialed up the bank of pay phones down the street from the theater
    and had two people run down to meet him inside.  Because of the cold,
    he gave one of them a set of earmuffs with the CBS logo on each ear)
 2. You can see people's breath when they yell "Screw you!"
 1. Everyone's wearing pants

---> December 28, 1993 <---

==========================
Top Ten Ways Santa Relaxes
==========================

10. Tours with his good buddy Jerry Garcia
 9. Hint:  It involves a bowling ball and ten elves
 8. Carnival Cruise with Kathie Lee
 7. Does "Fat Odd Couple" with Marlon Brando at Tahiti Dinner Theatre
 6. Stuffs Mrs. Claus' stockings, if you know what I mean
 5. Cuts costs for next Christmas by exchanging his stockpile of guns for toys
 4. Has Arkansas state police rustle him up some babes
 3. Eats Cheetos until his entire beard is orange
 2. Two words:  Strip joints!
    (After reading this one, Dave shows a clip of Santa Claus entering the
    strip joint down the street from the theater)
 1. Jacuzzi full of egg nog

---> December 29, 1993 <---

=======================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard On Clinton's Duck Hunting Trip
=======================================================

10. "Will that wounded duck be eligible for your health care plan?"
 9. "Boy this is fun!  You know, it really ought to be easier for people to
    get guns."
 8. "Hi there, little feller!  Quack for Uncle Bubba."
 7. "It would be a shame if we accidentally downed a couple of big-mouthed
    state troopers."
 6. "You look great in that negligee.  By the way, Hillary thinks I'm duck
    hunting."
 5. "Mr. President, Domino's says they can't deliver to a duck blind."
 4. "Trust me, Roger, it'll be funny.  Just put on the duck hat and run
    around in the weeds."
 3. "When you're shooting, just think of them as Ross Perot."
 2. "Let's shoot Gore in the ass and see if he flinches."
 1. "Get me some coffee, Dukakis!"

---> December 30, 1993 <---

=================================================
Top Ten Signs You're Not Getting A Year-End Bonus
=================================================

10. Boss says "Nice work, Johnson", but your name isn't Johnson
 9. Your desk and stapler are sold for scrap
 8. You work for a company called "No Year-End Bonuses, Inc."
 7. Boss keeps saying "There's always that Publishers Clearinghouse thing"
 6. You're the CBS guy who said, "Don't worry, there's no way we can lose
    the rights to NFL football"
 5. You're the Director of Safety for Amtrak
 4. The boss hands everyone bonus envelopes, but yours says "For display
    purposes only"
 3. Year end review includes words like "dolt" and "jackass"
 2. You're the only Connecticut State Trooper who hasn't written Letterman
    a ticket
 1. You're Michael Jackson's P.R. guy

---> December 31, 1993 <---

**To assist in this Top Ten List, Dave brought out the Top Ten Backup
  Singers, a trio, who sang each number before Dave read the item**

=========================================
Top Ten Least Popular Alcoholic Beverages
=========================================

10. Really, Really, Really, Really Old Milwaukee
 9. D-Train Scotch
 8. Amaretto Di Gotti
 7. Orville Redenbacher's Butter-Flavored Vodka
 6. McBourbon
 5. Dinty Moore's Pork N' Booze
 4. Ernest, Julio, Tom and Roseanne Gallo
 3. Dr. Scholl's Medicated Tequila
 2. Seagrams 7, Mets 0
 1. Chivas Regis

---> January 3, 1994 <---

========================================
Top Ten Clinton's New Year's Resolutions
========================================

10. Prove that Domino's violated Constitution by stopping 30-minute delivery
    policy
 9. Finally tell Hillary about him and Janet Reno
 8. See if the Neptunian Galaxy Masters have any new orders for him
 7. Disband Air Force One Mile-High Club
 6. Drop Gennifer Flowers from MCI "Friends and Family" plan
 5. Call Perot in middle of night, yell "Que pasa, little man?" and hang up
 4. Gently break news to Reagan that he doesn't live in the White House
    more
 3. Change Socks' litter box daily
 2. Change Roger's litter box daily
 1. Summit with Ronald McDonald

---> January 4, 1994 <---

=======================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At Barbara Streisand's Concert
=======================================================

10. "I hand in 14 guns and all I get is one stinkin' ticket"
 9. "People...people who get $5 million per concert...are the luckiest
    people"
 8. "Funny Girl Nachos here.  Get your Funny Girl Nachos"
 7. "I'm Mark Russel, and I do a version of that song called 'You Don't Send
    Me Gennifer Flowers'"
 6. "Enjoying the show, Bubbles?"
 5. "Hey -- at these prices, I can only afford to hear her every 20 years"
 4. "What's Giuliani's kid doing onstage?"
 3. "Look who's crying in the front row -- it's that sissy Letterman!"
    (Dave is shown crying in the audience, wiping his eyes with a tissue)
 2. "Oh, boy -- she's putting on the fake beard!  It must be time for the
    ZZ Top Medley!"
 1. "Lookout!  Parachute guy!"

---> January 5, 1994 <---

==============================================================
Top Ten Words That Sound Great When Spoken By James Earl Jones
==============================================================

**As read by James Earl Jones himself!**

10. Mellifluous
 9. Verisimiltude
 8. Guppy
 7. Stolichnaya
 6. Boutros-Boutros Ghali
 5. Neo-Synephrine
 4. Pinhead
 3. Mujibar and Sirajul
 2. Heebie-Jeebies
 1. Oprah

---> January 6, 1994 <---

=====================================
Top Ten Dave's New Year's Resolutions
=====================================

10. Breakfast, lunch and dinner:  Cheese-filled weenies
 9. Raise financial backing for my one man ice show -- "Davecapades!"
 8. Turn in Uzi for shiny new bicycle
 7. Tape all the NFL games on CBS
 6. Return camera number 3 to NBC
    (Here, Dave shows camera number 3 -- with an NBC logo on the side)
 5. Stop laughing every time I say "The Fox Network"
 4. Have applause sign installed in my bedroom
 3. To always remain loyal to this fine network -- unless another network
    comes up with some more money
 2. Learn to teeterboard nude
    (This entry is completed with a clip of senior citizens teeterboarding
    naked)
 1. Four words:  Mrs. Kathie Lee Letterman

---> January 7, 1994 <---

========================================
Top Ten Good Things About Having The Flu
========================================

10. "Sister Act 2" actually entertaining when viewed with a high fever
 9. Sometimes it's just nice to be "clammy"
 8. Can use forehead to warm dinner rolls
 7. If you're an actor, and you're playing a guy who sneezes a lot, say hello
    to Oscar!
 6. Fact that you're teeming with parasites makes you feel like Cher
 5. If your temperature goes up to 106, you can bring the thermometer to
    radio station "Kiss 106" and get a free "Kiss 106" bumper sticker
 4. Can spend day in front of TV and lose yourself in Oprah
 3. If you ask politely, mailman will rub Vick's Vaporub into your chest
 2. Get to stay at home and do what you really want
    (Here, a clip is shown of Dave at home, throwing axes at a wall)
 1. Getting gooned on NyQuil

---> January 10, 1994 <---

=================================
Top Ten Signs You Have A Dumb Cat
=================================

10. Instead of purring, makes sound like a stalling Cessna
 9. Only seems content when suction-cupped to your car's rear window
 8. Believes he's related to Kitty Dukakis
 7. Becomes hypnotized whenever Ross Perot is on Larry King
 6. Gets between the President and a plate of nachos (Socks only)
 5. When playing "Jeopardy", always forgets to phrase answers in the form of
    a question
 4. Let Fox network get NFL Football
 3. Believes the Trump marriage will last for years to come
 2. No matter how many times you explain it, he can't understand the Clapper
    (Dave is shown with his cat on the couch, clapping his hands as the
    lamp next to him goes on and off, telling the cat how it works)
 1. Ask to be neutered by Bob Barker personally

---> January 11, 1994 <---

===========================
Top Ten Videotape Leftovers
===========================

**Well, the only way to get the full effect of this list is to see the
  episode.  I'll try to explain the clips that were shown...**

10. Christmas at Dave's house
    (Dave sitting on his couch, drinking egg nog from a huge punch bowl,
    getting most of it all over the front of himself)
 9. Dave plays his fiddle
    (A guy that sort of looks like Dave playing a violin, singing "Camptown
    Races)
 8. Dave gets electrocuted
    (Dave is in the basement of the theater, standing in front of some wiring,
    and asks the person he's with, "Do you think that's grounded?"  He then
    grabs the wire, sparks fly out of it and he screams)
 7. Tommy Lasorda swimming laps
    (Mr. Lasorda swimming laps in a pool, complete with goggles and flippers)
 6. Dave relaxing at home
    (Dave is at home throwing axes into a wall)
 5. Dave gets electrocuted again
    (Dave is hooked up to electrodes, and the screen displays "9 x 6".
    Dave answers, "96", and he's electrocuted)
 4. Paul caught in ceiling fan
    (Paul is hanging onto two blades of a spinning ceiling fan)
 3. Dave in the early 70's
    (It's a picture of some very creepy looking guy that sort of looks like
    Dave, taken in the early 70's)
 2. Dave gets electrocuted again
    (Dave is sitting at a kitchen table, eating corn on the cob which is
    plugged into an electrical outlet)
 1. Vice President Al Gore says...
    (Buttafuoco)

---> January 12, 1994 <---

=======================================
Top Ten Signs Your Shop Teacher Is Nuts
=======================================

10. Drinks two gallons of marine varnish a week
 9. Begins every sentence with "Back when I was sane..."
 8. Shouts "Watch this -- You don't need a hammer if you have a steel plate
    in your skull"
 7. Same project, semester after semester:  Make your own coffin
 6. Favorite game:  Fill my pants with sawdust
 5. Guns 'N' Roses recorded one of his songs
 4. He's built himself a plywood girlfriend
 3. If someone loses a finger, everyone loses a finger
 2. Arranges bandsaw safety demonstration by Lorena Bobbitt
 1. Calls the drill press "mommy"

---> January 13, 1994 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Bobbitt Trial
=============================================

10. "Who ordered the Diet Slice?"
 9. "Could Your Honor instruct juror no. 4 to stop giggling?"
 8. "Mr. Bobbitt, please rise"
 7. "I paid $500 for this ticket, now dammit, I want to see Streisand sing!"
 6. "What's Andrew Giuliani doing here?"
 5. "One million bucks.  All you've gotta do is say you used a Ginsu"
 4. "Mr. Bobbitt, I'm with the Velcro Corporation, and we've got an idea for
    an ad"
 3. "If President Clinton were here I bet he'd be eating fries"
    (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning
    around to the music from the film "2001")
 2. "I said, place your HAND on the bible"
 1. "Look out, Lorena's got the gavel!"

---> January 14, 1994 <---

===========================================================
Top Ten Things Gore Does When Clinton Is Out Of The Country
===========================================================

10. Cruises around in Air Force One picking up chicks
 9. Waits patiently at White House gate like a lonely Labrador Retriever
 8. Plays Tic Tac Toe with cabs
    (Earlier, Dave and Paul were on the top floor of the theater.  They had
    megaphones and were directing cabs with large X's and O's painted on
    their roofs to the appropriate squares on a Tic Tac Toe board painted on
    the street)
 7. Same as when Clinton's in the country:  Spends day using massive head to
    bust coconuts
 6. Give out hams!
    (Dave gave out canned hams to lucky audience members all evening)
 5. Slaps around George Stephanopoulos
 4. Puts on giant mouse costume and scares the hell out of Socks
 3. Breaks into Clinton's secret stash of Presidential fries
    (The same animation of Clinton's head and french fries spinning around
    to the music of "2001" was played)
 2. Calls Dan Quayle's house and says "Is the genius there?"
 1. Practices the ol' pocket veto

---> January 17, 1994 <---

================================================================
Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Kid To Shovel Your Driveway
================================================================

10. Doesn't seem sure which end of shovel to use
 9. He's over 80 and has a Medic Alert bracelet
 8. Won't stop bragging about his custom-made six-fingered gloves
 7. Says his shovel broke, asks you for a vacuum cleaner and an extension
    cord
 6. Midway through the job he puts on a bear suit and starts hailing cabs
    (All evening Dave had a guy in a bear suit hailing cabs in New York City)
 5. Whenever you aren't looking, he takes a whack at your knees
 4. Has 84 gift certificates from Toys 'R' Us
 3. He's too busy disrupting dad's inauguration speech to finish
 2. You get a half-hearted recommendation from his wife, Marilyn Quayle
 1. Doesn't finish till mid-July

---> January 18, 1994 <---

======================================================
Top Ten Reasons Clinton Is Glad To Be Back In The U.S.
======================================================

10. Time difference made it too hard to stay up for "American Gladiators"
 9. It was real damn scary being out in the world without his kitty cat
 8. Excited to see how much he can get for the Faberge Eggs he swiped from
    the Kremlin
 7. Europeans are less polite about lousy saxophone playing
 6. Good old American French Fries!
    (The animation of President Clinton's head and a box of french fries,
    revolving to the "2001" music, was played here)
 5. Gore's 24-hour feeder almost empty
 4. European bathrooms had some kind of weird sink for midgets
 3. Good old American French Fries!
    (The same animation was played here)
 2. Didn't want to miss any more of Court TV's coverage of the Bobbitt trial
 1. Russian women look like Bob Dole

---> January 19, 1994 <---

================================
Top Ten Signs It's Too Damn Cold
================================

10. Youngsters trading in handguns for Isotoner Gloves
 9. Dan Rather doing news fron Connie's lap
 8. Only 300 people left alive on east coast
 7. It's actually nice when a guy rubs up against you on the subway
 6. Times Square hookers charge $20 just to blow on your hands
 5. Last night, for a full twenty seconds, Bea Arthur stopped sweating
 4. Portions of Al Sharpton have been closed
 3. President Clinton chipped a tooth on a french fry
    (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries
    spinning around to the music from the film "2001")
 2. Andrew Giuliani restricted to annoying people indoors
 1. Trump's using a de-icer on Marla

---> January 20, 1994 <---

=====================================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Inductions
=====================================================================

10. "Bono, Yoko.  Yoko, Bono"
 9. "I'm sorry, but no one under 18 will be admitted unless they're Bill
    Wyman's date"
 8. "Jerry Garcia couldn't make it tonight -- here to accept on his behalf
    is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street"
 7. "Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono singing?"
 6. "Here, take Cesar Romero's seat"
 5. "How did Tonya Harding get voted in?"
 4. "What a coincidence, Mr. McCartney!  I played you in the Chicago cast of
    'Beatlemania', and now I'm your waiter!"
 3. "On no, they're letting Letterman perform!"
    (Here they showed the now famous clip of a guy that looks like Dave
    playing the violin and singing "Camptown Races")
 2. "Earthquake!  Oh wait, Meat Loaf just fell off his chair"
 1. "Run for your life it's Elton John's hair!"

---> January 21, 1994 <---

==========================================
Top Ten Questions Larry King Asked Clinton
==========================================

10. "Boxers or briefs?"
 9. "What's the strangest place you and the missus have made whoopie?"
 8. "Is that Bobby Ray Inman nuts or what?"
 7. "Would you like to touch my suspenders?"
 6. "Should I ask you the questions, or put them directly to Hillary?"
 5. "You jog every day.  You're fat.  What gives?"
 4. "Under your Health Care Plan, would I be eligible for a pair of less
    dorky eyeglasses?"
 3. "Hey, Bubba, more fries?"
    (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries
    spinning around to the music from the film "2001")
 2. "Why can't Letterman just pay his tolls like a normal person?"
    (Poor Dave forgot his money to pay tolls on his way to work on Thursday,
    and while he was filling out papers to get through, a kind woman paid
    for him, who appeared on the show this evening.  Dave reimbursed her
    for one token, and one extra for being so kind.)
 1. "Want Perot to bring you a soda?"

**Dave was in reruns this week from 1/24/94 to 1/28/94.  He returned on
  1/31/94 with the following list.**

---> January 31, 1994 <---

=============================================================
Top Ten Things Buffalo Bills Coach Marv Levy Said At Halftime
=============================================================

10. "We won!  Wooo!  We're Super Bowl champs!"
 9. "Boy, I'm sleepy.  You guys sleepy?"
 8. "We've got a long trip home after the game, so I don't want anyone wearing
    themselves out"
 7. "Now get out there and rest on your laurels!"
 6. "Hey, Kelly.  Leave some champagne for everyone else!"
 5. "What do you mean there's two more quarters?"
 4. "Let's plan exactly how you're gonna dump the Gatorade on me"
 3. "Okay, boys -- get out there and start sucking!"
 2. "Wait a minute, if we win, we have to go to Disneyland"
 1. "Hey fellas, more fudge?"

---> February 1, 1994 <---

=================================================
Top Ten Ways $10 Million Will Change The Slivniks
=================================================

10. No more generic toilet paper...it's Charmin time!
 9. MasterCard will raise their credit limit from $2,000 to "Go nuts,
    Chester!"
 8. Can take a real cruise instead of that one with Kathie Lee
 7. You know eggs?  Those round, white things you have for breakfast?  Well,
    my friends, get used to calling them "Slivniks"
 6. Can now afford to buy President Clinton lots of french fries
    (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries
    spinning around to the music from the film "2001")
 5. Future junk mail from Publishers Clearing House will read, "You may have
    already won another ten million dollars!"
 4. Every evening, a fresh case of Colt .45 will be delivered to their
doorstep
    by Mr. Billy Dee Williams
 3. All the wheat they can eat!
    (Dave showed off his record collection, and one song was from an album
    named Number One Hard from the Canada Grain Industry.  This song was
    dedicated to wheat, with the following lyrics:  Wheat, wheat, wheat,
    wheat, wheat, wheat, wheat, makes your life complete!)
 2. Can hire guy to take out granddaughter's figure skating rival
 1. Mr. Slivnik has a shot at Marla Maples

---> February 2, 1994 <---

==========================================
Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce Jeff Gillooly
==========================================

10. Jeff Giloony
 9. Jeff Gluey
 8. Jif Gellahee
 7. Jeff Goldblum
 6. Gilly Ooly Ooly Gilly Goo
 5. Prisoner #3275
 4. Mr. Magooly
 3. Chef Boyardee
 2. Boutros Boutros Gillooly
 1. Guilty

---> February 3, 1994 <---

=====================================
Top Ten Oliver North Campaign Slogans
=====================================

10. "I'll trade arms for your vote"
 9. "Don't make me get a real job"
 8. "At least you already know that I'm a liar"
 7. "A man of convictions, none of them pending"
 6. "Shred this!"
 5. "I've seen Ronald Reagan naked"
 4. "Every American will have pizza delivered by the Rockettes!"
    (The Rockettes were lined up to a pizza place around the corner from
    the theater, and passed a slice of pizza from person to person, while
    kicking to the tune of "New York, New York" until it finally reached Dave)
 3. "Paper shredder + potatoes = delicious french fries for President Clinton"
    (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning
    around to the music from the film "2001")
 2. "If I-ran/Contra, I can run the country!"
 1. "I nailed Fawn Hall"

---> February 4, 1994 <---

==========================================
Top Ten Disney Productions In Times Square
==========================================

10. When You Wish Upon My Lap
 9. Mr. Toad's Pantsless Ride
 8. Space Mounting
 7. Mickey & Minnie, Doing It Live!
 6. Aladdin '94:  "Rub This!"
 5. It's a Large World
 4. Mary's Poppin'!
 3. Hookers of the Caribbean
 2. Beauty and the Bobbitt
 1. Free Willy

---> February 7, 1994 <---

===============================
Top Ten Rejected Olympic Sports
===============================

**To assist in this Top Ten List, Dave had Paula Zahn and Harry Smith from
"CBS
  This Morning", playing a cello and tuba, respectively, after each entry.**

10. Pantsless Ski Jump
 9. Synchronized Hockey
 8. Four-man Zamboni
 7. Racketeering
 6. Bobsled with Bob Barker, Bob Eubanks and Bob Hope
 5. Really Drunk Luge
 4. Lead Pipe Free-For-All
 3. Bare-Assed Slalom
 2. Bobbittsledding
 1. Freestyle Gillooly

---> February 8, 1994 <---

==========================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At Ronald Reagan's Birthday Party
==========================================================

10. "Why's Reagan trying to blow out the chandelier?"
 9. "Happy Birthday to...wait stop.  He's wandered off again!"
 8. "...And now president Reagan will use his Playskool phone to call and wish
    himself a Happy Birthday"
 7. "Mommy make me cake!  Cake good"
 6. "More coffee, Quayle!"
 5. "Hey, someone spiked the punch with Grecian Formula"
 4. "Excuse me, I've got to exercise the old 'Trickle-Down Theory', if you
know
    what I mean"
 3. "Quick, hide the cake!  Rush Limbaugh's here!"
 2. "Wow, a Beavis and Butthead T-Shirt!"
 1. "Am I still President?"

---> February 9, 1994 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Signs The Beatles May Be Here Tonight
=============================================

10. Giant yellow submarine parked in front of theater
 9. Street vendors selling Ringo Dogs
 8. They were supposed to be on last night, but we ran out of time
 7. The entire theater smells like Liverpool
 6. Pete Best spotted in the standby tickets line
 5. Saw Dan Rather outside waving his autograph book
 4. Late last night Ringo's hairpiece arrived at JFK
 3. Letterman spent his day warming up for post-show jam session
    (Here, they played that famous clip of a guy that sort of looks like Dave
    playing a violin, singing "Camptown Races)
 2. Yoko Ono spotted outside theater holding lead pipe
 1. Hell has just frozen over

---> February 10, 1994 <---

==================================================
Top Ten Questions Connie Chung Asked Tonya Harding
==================================================

10. "Would you walk through the metal detector one more time, please?"
 9. "Do you think you could kick my ass?"
 8. "Can you help me and Maury have a baby?"
 7. "How much do you think your pals would charge to whack Dan Rather's
knees?"
 6. "What the hell is that Cop on the Edge thing?"
    (All night, Dave had little skits with Bruno Kirby as the "Cop on the
    Edge")
 5. "Do you know Amy Fisher?"
 4. "When he hit Nancy in the knee, did it sort of sound like 'Chunnnggg'?"
 3. "Did you see the Beatles reunion on Letterman last night?"
    (Here they played the clip from Wednesday's show of Calvert DeForest, as
    the Beatles, singing one of their tunes)
 2. "How many packs of cigarettes is a gold medal worth in prison?"
 1. "Can you spell 'Gillooly'?"

---> February 11, 1994 <---

=============================================
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win A Medal
=============================================

10. Instead of music, you're ice dancing to Larry King's radio show
 9. Right this minute you're shoveling driveways for beer money
 8. You're the only speed skater not wearing pants
 7. Two words:  Team Fiji
 6. Instead of the Olympic Village you're staying at the Lillehammer Days Inn
 5. You're in the biathlon and you exchanged your rifle for a Toys 'R' Us
    gift certificate
 4. It takes a bottle of corn oil to get you in and out of your luge suit
 3. You trained for the last 4 years by throwing hatchets at your living room
    wall
    (Here, the famous clip of Dave throwing axes into his living room wall was
    shown)
 2. Your ice dancing partner is Roseanne Arnold
 1. Your name is Tonya Harding

---> February 14, 1994 <---

=============================
Top Ten Fabio's Pick-Up Lines
=============================

**Fabio made a special appearance for this list, reading each entry after Dave
  said the number**

10. Can I buy you a drink after I finish my 2,000 sit-ups?
 9. Don't you think the "No Shirt, No Service" policy is ridiculous?
 8. Wanna help me choose a last name?
 7. You look hungry.  I will microwave you a burrito
 6. How would you like to ride a finely tuned Italian love machine?
 5. Did you know that "Fabio" is Italian for "Fonzie"?
 4. Yo, Mama, what it is?  Let's you and me get it on!
 3. Who do you like better -- Beavis or Butthead?
 2. I find you very attractive even though your chest is much smaller than
mine
 1. Wow!  You are almost as beautiful as me!

---> February 15, 1994 <---

===============================================
Top Ten Things Overheard In The Olympic Village
===============================================

10. "Lead pipes!  Get your lead pipes here!"
 9. "Let's count all the fat guys in luge suits"
 8. "My name's Michael Jordan and I'm here to enter the ski jump competition"
 7. "How do you say 'screw you' in Norwegian?"
 6. "I'm sorry, but I still can't find your name on the guest list,
    Mr. Gillooly"
 5. "How much for the fake gold medals?"
 4. "It must be a treat for Hillary to see real athletes instead of Bill in
    those jogging shorts"
 3. "How 'bout a little two-man luge?"  (If you know what I mean)
 2. "I'm sorry Mrs. Letterman, but your son's credit card is no good"
    (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for
    the Late Show)
 1. "There's no way I'm rooming with Harding!"

---> February 16, 1994 <---

=================================
Top Ten Signs Greg Gumbel Is Nuts
=================================

10. Has been eating nothing but Slim Jims and Gatorade
 9. Every time the U.S. wins a medal, he takes off another article of clothing
 8. Asks each of his guests, "Who's fatter, me or Bryant?"
 7. The parrot and the eye patch
 6. Signed a long-term contract with CBS Sports
 5. Invested millions in line of soups called Greg Gumbo
 4. Signs off each night with "Take that, you Norwegian bastards!"
 3. Drank quart of Old Milwaukee and tried to extinguish Olympic torch
 2. Officially changed name to Greg Gumbel-Gillooly
 1. Keeps proposing to my mom
    (Dave's mom is stationed in Lillehammer as the Olympic correspondent for
    the Late Show)

---> February 17, 1994 <---

==================================================
Top Ten Good Things About Not Winning A Gold Medal
==================================================

10. No problem getting through the metal detector on the trip home
 9. Five words:  Year's supply of Turtle Wax
 8. Sure they give you the gold medal, but they make you pay plenty for the
    matching earrings
 7. Aren't subject to Clinton's new "Gold Medal Tax"
 6. Instead of being "Joe, the Fastest Skier in the World," it's kind of nice
    just to be "Dorky Ol' Joe"
 5. Sympathy goes a long way with Norwegian chicks
 4. You won't get mugged for it on the D-Train
 3. Don't have to go to White House and jog with bloated president
 2. Fame and wealth often inspire strangers to break into your home
 1. Gillooly won't push for a reconciliation

---> February 18, 1994 <---

=========================================
Top Ten Norwegian Nicknames For Americans
=========================================

**To assist in the presentation of this list, Dave's mom, live from Norway,
  read each entry after Dave read the number**

10. Star-Spangled Ninnies
 9. Opraholics
 8. Djorks
 7. Knee-Clubbers
 6. Gap-Toothed T.V. Boy
 5. Tommymoes
 4. Nordic Track Sissies
 3. Gilloolys
 2. McButtheads

**Gold medal speed skater Dan Jansen presented this final entry live from
  Norway**

 1. Bobbitteers

---> February 21, 1994 <---

====================================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Taping Of The Jackson Family Special
====================================================================

10. "How did Tito get the night off from Domino's?"
 9. "Once again, please welcome the Jackson Family Lawyers!"
 8. "No kidding?  He's my plastic surgeon too!"
 7. "That's odd...I don't remember a Jackson named 'Nipsey'"
 6. "More fudge, Miss Taylor?"
 5. "Siegfried-Tito, Tito-Siegfried, Roy-Tito, Tito-Roy..."
 4. "Good news, Brooke has agreed to continue pretending she's dating
    Michael..."
 3. "What's La Toya doing with that lead pipe?"
 2. "It's great to see Michael grabbing himself again"
 1. "Sing something, you weirdo!"

---> February 22, 1994 <---

===========================

Top Ten Olympian Pet Peeves
===========================

10. Having to spend so much time with freakin' foreigners
 9. When they run out of medals and just give you a wadded-up piece of
Reynolds
    Wrap
 8. There's just not enough coverage of the Tonya/Nancy rivalry
 7. You compete, you win the gold, but Monday morning you have to be back at
    work at the Pizza Hut
 6. When Marv Albert follows you around looking for bloopers
 5. Falling a few hundredths of a second short on your wedding night
 4. When you're in 37th place and some moron is still screaming "Go for the
    gold!"
 3. You marry one of your Olympic teammates and forever after your name is
    "Picabo Moe"
 2. Getting stopped in the middle of a bobsled run by one of those squeegee
    guys
 1. Chapped ass

---> February 23, 1994 <---

==========================================
Top Ten Ways To Make The Olympics More Fun
==========================================

10. Let biathlon competitors shoot at each other
 9. Require ski jumpers to scream "Weeeeeeeeee" as they come down
 8. Automatic gold if your luge hits a moose
 7. Bobsled must have four guys all named Bob
 6. New sport:  Olympic Ass-Kissing
 5. Medal ceremony includes lengthy open-mouth kisses from Dick Button
 4. Instead of counting down 3-2-1 Go, count down 3-2-1 Gillooly
 3. Everyone's ice dancing partner:  Willard Scott
 2. Let my mom enter sledding competition
    (Dave's mom is in Norway covering the Olympics for the Late Show, and they
    showed a clip of her reindeer sledding)
 1. More rock, less Tonya